From meaningless to meaningful

This post could be seen as a "positive" post, in it's dooms day melancholy, if that's a thinkable combination.

Anyhow, I've gone through a quite harsh time of decisions this fall. The choices I've been pondering was either to start studying, to continue at work where I am now which I hate, or to try to find a new job that could be more ideologically rewarding or meaningful on a personal level. I applied for a job as a Linux server manager, got to two interviews but decided to decline the offer because it didn't feel right. It would pay more but who needs the extra money when that's not what you're interested in? (hah, sounds unthinkable, doesn't it?)

So I didn't take the job, and I decided that the internal destruction and decadence of the inner me at my current work situation wasn't an alternative, since it would clearly make me go crazy for real if continued. Therefore I decided to take a semester of political science and got leave from work to do that full time.

Never in my life has any decision in the "professional" part of life felt this right. It's indescribable how good this feels. The drawback is that it doesn't really lead to very much professional progression, but it's rewarding in the sense of evolving as a human being.

This is kind of a key point of my view of the world and western society. It's not really OK or encouraged to do something economically negative that enriches ones personal desires and evolves your creativity and personality. See, it doesn't produce money. Money. What the fuck is up with the obsession of constant economic growth? Not only on the business level but I can feel this pressure from society itself. I can feel the question hanging in the air: "but what do you achieve with this?" in a definite economic sense. This is what's been holding me back from taking this step for about 2 years. I decided on "fuck it, I'll do what I want" and then did it, but it took me two years of more or less psychotic attacks and general miserability, lack of energy to do anything on my spare time etc. I mean, what's the point of going to work to earn money if all it gives you is miserability and a pile of useless money on your account, when there's no spiritual growth-point in mindless consumerism of stuff you don't need, and when you don't have the energy to do anything with your spare time and money, but sitting around and feeling terrible? Nah man, fuck that shit, it ain't worth it.

So now I'm gonna do something that makes the inner me feel good and joyful and where I can feel a personal growth and a spiritual connection between my inner and outer selfs. Where I can feel that the I within is in tune with I. Where I can feel the presence of my inner divinity. You can call it Jah, or what you refer to when saying "Namaste" ("I honor the place in you in which the entire Universe dwells, I honor the place in you which is of Love, of Integrity, of Wisdom and of Peace. When you are in that place in you, and I am in that place in me, we are One." http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Namaste).

Feeling that I fit in for once. At work, I continually feel like the black sheep, even though it somehow feels good, it also drains my energy to be the only colorful radical in a dead, black-and-white reality. It feels good in the sense that I probably, on some low level affect these people to open their hearts and minds towards new things, towards something different and unfamiliar, but it drains me too much. I need more like-minded people around me to carry on in Babylon.

I reckon my expectations on my future study mates are quite high, but I can't help it. I want out of this place of dead minds and boring people. I don't want to spend most of my hours awake with people I can't relate to, with people I don't feel any spiritual connection with.

The decision I've made has economic consequences, but I'll simply have to handle it. It's worth it. Life is, when it comes down to it, only what you make of it. Nothing more, nothing less. You have to make meaning in life, unless you, by a miracle, "find" meaning. So I reckon this is me making life meaningful to live. It's me listening to what's inside, to the I within I.

This is hopefully the turning point. This is where I stop passively tagging along, and start actively taking the wheel and steering my life towards something that is in the beginning rewarding for myself, and hopefully I will turn this goodness towards the rest of ya'll.

I think my personality the last, probably 2-3 years, have changed from being a pretty distinct doer to a more visionary thinker. My view of the world, and how I want the world to become has changed from accepting the shit for what it is, towards contemplating the miserability of it, and finding ways to how I can change it. If I can do what I can do, others can do their bit, and together we can pull our straws towards making it a more equal place, more in harmony with nature and a more sustainable place. Maybe a bit less meaningless stuff, a bit less for the stinking rich, but for the benefit of the many less fortunate, and for a sustainable ecosystem.

In this time of inner struggle I see the light. I see the light of studying, of doing something that enriches myself that I can hopefully use to make this world a better place.